Bullied Sick

I feel ill: my head hurts, my tummy is upset, I’m torn between wanting to conquer the world and simply crawl in my bed. What’s my problem? One word: Anxiety. I am anxious. I have been working all morning to the tunes blaring on my iPod. I tell myself that it will help me be productive but really I don’t want to think. I have a lot going on (as just about everyone else does) and when I think about everything that I need to do, should do, can do, can’t do, I get really stressed. 


I usually try to focus and tackle one thing at a time but it simply leads to the neglect of everything else. Then, I try to prioritize and juggle a few things that require my attention but I still fail from time to time. Failing hurts. I really hard to avoid but I just set myself up for burnout and more failure. Every time I fall on my face the bully in my head teases me for sucking so bad at life. The bully brings up every past failure, present mistake, future possibilities of failure. I am even more hurt. 


Sometimes I just get so tired of being hurt that I throw my hands up in frustration and let everything go. That’s not a good idea by the way. I can’t think of too many issues in life that are resolves through neglect. Oh, and I am usually still anxious. And of course the bully gets a good laugh at my expense. So what’s the point? 


Anxiety sucks but what is scarier is not being anxious. There are times when I am virtually fearless. I don’t have that little voice in my head telling me to be careful. I am not paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong decision. Outcomes are unimportant. It’s freeing. I can get so much done. However, my work is just fodder for the bully. If I can accomplish something – especially is a decent amount of time – then it must not be worthwhile. Besides, this work was done during a careless phase, so it must suck. Thanks, bully. 


Today, my inner bully won’t quit. It reminds me that I have a long history of failure. It shows me all the flaws that I have made today. It predicts with 100% certainty that I will fail miserably tomorrow while working an event. I just want to crawl into a hole. I try to keep busy but the bully just interrupts my tasks. I try to reason with it: I have had some successes, right? Other people tell me that I am successful and accomplished. I have done some good things in the time that I have spent in this world. Like everyone else, I put a great deal of energy into managing factors that will give the best outcome possible. I try to anticipate and accept the factors that are out of my control. My bully is relentless. No amount of rationalizing, bargaining, or pleading will silence this bully. 


I am defeated. 

 ❤ A ❤


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