Do I dare?

So I am sitting at the computer tonight trying to figure out how to make the best of my time/energy. Suddenly I get this idea to write. As many of you know, I am no stranger to pounding the keys to express myself. However, many of you many of you have noticed that I have been silent for quite some time. 

First, allow me to apologize for my abrupt and prolonged silence. I did not forget you all, I promise. I just could not handle life. Yes, LIFE. Pretty pathetic, I know. Allow me to back up a bit. I started this project earlier in the year and maintained it despite a heavy course load and working. Even though I was very busy it was great.

But then something went wrong. Not necessarily a major catastrophic event, as most would expect. It was a slow moving but powerful, unnamable force. slowly but surely, it became harder to get tasks done and eventually I stopped getting things done all together. My life became a ghost town: there were abandoned projects in their various unfinished states; lost social connections; a mind haunted by what once was; many unanswered questions of what went wrong; feelings of fear and mourning for the losses. 

And then things went wrong. Like everything. Think major-catastrophic-events. I would classify the events of the last few months as a “clusterfuck”. I’ll spare you the sob story – at least in this post – but I will say things were simply overwhelming. Productivity plummeted even more ( I didn’t even know it was possible). Unopened mail piled up. Payments were missed. Getting out of bed was just too much to handle. Eating on a regular bases became overrated. Simply put, I could not handle life.

But as I sit here at (almost) 2AM on a Monday, I realize today is a new day. No this does not mean that my problems have been magically solved. Don’t get it twisted, life still sucks. But today feel like I have a bit of “fight”. Today I will crawl out of bed and take on an issue. Today I will do something that will help me be able to cope with the factors of my life that I am not currently able to change.

Today I write. I have postponed writing during these dark hours for a numerous reasons. However, “not writing” has been the symbol of illness. Fear of returning to the abandoned aspects of my life serves as the status of illness. I would say, “when I am better, I want to start doing {x} again. There is no point in starting it now while ‘ill’ as I will most definitely fail.”

Well, today, I dare to challenge my “sick status”.  I dare to write. Who knows what I will dare to do tomorrow.

❤ A ❤

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